


Around Half Of The Script Of Ragnarök But Its A Hetalia Version

by StalinDidNothingWrong



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers, Thor (Movies)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-05
Updated: 2018-05-05
Packaged: 2019-05-02 18:23:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,952
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14550615
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StalinDidNothingWrong/pseuds/StalinDidNothingWrong
Summary: i am so sorry for what i do and the pain i cause but this brought me light in the times of darkness and despair so you peasants gotta accept it now





	1. Chapter 1

Now, I know what you're thinking.  
"Oh, no! Germany's in a cell.  
How did this happen?"  
Well, sometimes you have to get captured  
just to get a straight answer  
out of somebody.  
It's a long story,  
but basically, I'm a bit of a hero.  
See, I spent some time on world domination...  
Fought some Russians,  
saved the Führer a couple of times.  
Then I went searching through the Reich  
for some filthy,  
stinky jews.  
Didn't find any.  
That's when I came across  
a path of death and destruction,  
which led me all the way here  
into this cell  
where I met you. (Any of the Soviet occupied countries)   
How much longer do you think  
we'll be here?

Ludwig, representative of Germany.

Ivan, son of a bitch.  
You're still alive.  
I thought my soldiers killed you  
half a year ago.

I cannot die.  
Not until I fulfill my destiny  
and lay waste to your home.

It's funny you should mention that.  
Because I've been having these  
terrible dreams of late.  
The homeland up in flames, falling to ruins.  
And you, Ivan,  
are at the center of all of them.

Then you have seen Stalingrad,  
the fall of Fascism.

The great prophecy...

Hang on.  
Hang on.  
I'll be back around shortly.  
I really feel like  
we were connecting there.

Okay, so Stalingrad.  
Tell me about that. Walk me through it.

My time has come.  
When my hammer is reunited  
with the sickle,  
I shall be restored to my full might.  
I will tower over the mountains,  
and bury my politics deep in Germany's...

Hang on. Give it a second.  
I swear, I'm not even moving.  
It's just doing this on its own.  
I'm really sorry.  
Okay, so let me get this straight.  
You're going to put your hammer  
onto the sickle  
and then you'll suddenly grow as big  
as a house?

A mountain!

The sickle that Germania keeps  
locked away in the Reich?

Germania is not in the Reich.  
And your absence has left the throne  
defenseless.

Okay, so where is it? This hammer?

This is my hammer,  
the source of my power.

Oh, that's a hammer.  
I thought it was a big eyebrow.

It's a HAMMER.

Anyway, it sounds like  
all I have to do to stop Stalingrad  
is rip that thing out of your hands.

But Stalingrad has already begun.  
You cannot stop it.  
I am the Third Reich's doom, and so are you.  
All will suffer, all will burn.

That's intense.  
To be honest,  
seeing you grow really big  
and set fire to a country  
would be quite the spectacle.  
But it looks like I'm gonna have to  
choose option B,  
where I bust out of these chains,  
knock that peasant tool out of your hands,  
and stash it away in the Reich's vault.

You cannot stop Stalingrad.  
Why fight it?

Because that's what heroes do.  
Wait, I'm sorry.  
I didn't time that right.  
And, now!

You have made a grave mistake, Germany.

I make grave mistakes all the time.  
Everything seems to work out.  
Italy, I know it's been a while,  
but I could really use a fast exit.  
Italy?

(scene cuts to landmass Germany)

Italy was an idiot.  
This job should have made him rich.  
Now, the job ain't easy  
but it does have its benefits.  
The Führer gives me access to  
everything the Reich has to offer.  
I mean, it's all mine for the taking.  
Behold...  
My stuff.  
I'm particularly fond of these.  
I pulled them out of a place in Poland  
called Auschwitz.  
I even named them. Sch and Eme.  
You see, when you put them together,  
they scheme.

Italy, come on.  
Stay!  
Italy?  
I'm running short on options.  
Italy?

Romano?  
Is that important?

You girls are in for a treat.

(Romano pulls the lever teleporting Germany back, with some dead Red Army soldiers)

Girls!  
Well, well, well.  
Look who decided to pop in.  
Thanks for scaring away my company  
and drenching my workplace in brains.

Who are you?

Don't you remember? I'm Romano.  
We fought together in World War One.

Right. Where is Italy?

That traitor. No one knows.  
He's a fugitive of the throne.

Traitor?

Yeah. You see, Germania charged Italy  
with negligence of duty  
but he disappeared before the trial.  
Hard to catch a guy who is the fastest runner in the universe.

Sure.

Hold on.  
I'm supposed to announce your arrival.

(Germany arrives to a play) 

What the hell is that?

Oh, brother. This is it.  
I take my leave.

You fool, you didn't listen!

I'm sorry.

Lady Hungary, get help!  
Somebody, help!

Sorry for all I've done.

It's all right. Hold on.

I'm sorry I tried to rule Europe.  
They'd be lucky to have you.  
I'm sorry about that thing  
with the Keiser.  
I just couldn't help myself.

I know.

I'm a trickster.  
So mischievous.  
Sorry about that time I turned you  
into an empire.  
It was a wonderful joke.

'Twas indeed hilarious.

You are the savior of Germany.  
Tell my story.

I will.

Build a statue for me.  
We will build a big statue for you.  
With my helmet on,  
with the Prussian sigil.

I will tell Father  
what you did here today.

I didn't do it for him.  
I didn't do it for him.

No!

(End of act, final act begins) 

And so, Gilbert died of his wounds,  
giving his life for ours.  
He fought back those disgusting brits,  
he brought glory to the Reich.  
Gilbert, my boy...  
'Twas many moons ago I found you  
on that frostbitten battlefield.  
On that day,  
I did not yet see in you  
Germany's savior. No.  
You were merely  
a little autistic baby   
that melted this old fool's heart.

(End of play) 

Bravo! Bravo! Well done. Bravo.  
Father.

Shit.  
My son, Ludwig, has returned!  
Greetings, my boy.

It's an interesting play.  
What's it called?

The Tragedy of Prussia of Germany.  
The people wanted to commemorate him.

Indeed they should.  
I like the statue.  
A lot better looking than he was  
when he was alive, though.  
A little less weaselly, less greasy,  
maybe.  
Do you know what this is?

The hammer of Russia.  
That's a formidable weapon!

Do me a favor.  
Lock this away in a vault  
so it doesn't turn into a giant monster  
and destroy the whole planet.

Thank you, dear.  
So it's back to the front lines for you, is it?

Nope.  
I've been having this reoccurring dream  
lately.  
Every night,  
I see the Third Reich fall into ruins.

That's just a silly dream,  
signs of an overactive imagination.

Possibly.  
But then I decide to go out there  
and investigate.  
And what do I find,  
but the lines completely in chaos.  
Enemies of Germany assembling,  
plotting our demise,  
all while you, Germania,  
the protector of the Aryans,  
are sitting here in your bathrobe,  
eating grapes.

Yes, it is best  
to respect our citizens' freedom.

Yes, of course,  
the freedom to be massacred.

Yes, besides I've been  
rather busy myself.  
Watching theater.  
Board meetings,  
and security council meetings...

You're really gonna make me do it?

Do what?

You know that nothing will stop the Swaztika  
as it returns to my hand.  
Not even your face.

You've gone quite mad.  
You'll be executed for this.

Then I'll see you on the other side,  
brother.

All right, I yield.

("Germania" is revealed to be Prussia in disguise)

Behold!  
Ludwig...  
Beilschmidt.

No.  
You had one job. Just the one.  
Where's Germania?

You just couldn't stay away, could you?  
Everything was fine without you.  
The Reich was prospering.  
You've ruined everything.  
Ask them.

Where's Father? Did you kill him?  
You had what you wanted.  
You had the independence you asked for.

Okay. I know exactly where he is.

(Random street in The Netherlands)

I swear I left him right here.

Right here on the sidewalk, or right there  
where the building is being demolished?  
Great planning.

How was I supposed to know?  
Can't see into the future.  
I'm not a witch.

No? Then why do you dress like one?

Hey.

I can't believe you're alive.  
I saw you die.  
I mourned you, I cried for you.

I'm honored.

(Random girls pass by)

Hi. Would you mind sieg heiling  
with us?

Sure.  
Start figuring out where he is.

Oh, my God.  
Sorry to hear that Italy dumped you.

(Girls leave)

He didn't dump me, you know.  
I dumped him. It was a mutual dumping.

(Prussia gets dragged away by magic hands)

What's this? What are you doing?

This isn't me.

Prussia.  
Germany.  
The Third Reich.  
You can put down the umbrella.

So, Amsterdam has yankees now?

The preferred term is  
"American Patriots Of Eagle"  
You can leave that now.

All right, yankee. Who are you?  
Why should I care?

My name is Doctor Alfred Jones,  
and I have some questions for you.  
Take a seat.  
Cola?

I don't drink cola.

What do you drink?

Not cola.

So, I keep a watch list of individuals  
and beings of inhuman status  
that may be a threat to this world.  
Your adopted brother, Prussia,  
is one of those beings.

He's a worthy inclusion.

Then why bring him here?

We're looking for my father.

So, if I were to tell you  
where Germania was,  
all parties concerned  
would promptly return to Germany?

Promptly.

Great! Then I'll help you.

If you knew where he was,  
why didn't you call me?

I have to tell you, he was adamant  
that he not be disturbed.  
Your father said he had chosen  
to remain in exile.  
And you don't have a phone at all times.

No, I don't have a phone,  
but you could have sent a  
letter. It's called a mail.

Yeah, do you have an adress right now?

No. What for?  
Anyway, my father is no longer in exile.  
So if you could tell me where he is,  
I can take him home.

Gladly. He's in Norway.  
I'm just seeing whether this incantation  
requires any German modifications.  
Nope.  
We don't need that.

Will you stop doing that?

I need just one strand of your hair.

Let me explain something.  
My hair is not to be meddled with.  
We could have just walked.

He's waiting for you.

All right.

Don't forget your umbrella.

Yes.

There we go.

I suppose I'll need my brother back.

Yeah. Right.

(Prussia shows up through a magic portal)

I have been falling for 30 minutes!

You can handle him from here.

Yes. Of course.  
Thank you very much for your help.

Good luck.

Handle me? Who are you?

Gilbert...

You think you're some kind of sorcerer?  
Don't think for one minute,  
you second-rate...

Bye-bye.

(They go through a portal)

Father?

Look at this place. It's beautiful.

Father, it's us.

My sons.  
I've been waiting for you.

I know. We've come to take you home.  
Home, yes.  
Your mother, she calls me.  
Do you hear it?

Gilbert, lift your threat or whatever it is.

Took me quite a while  
to break free from your thugs.  
Your mother would have been proud.  
Come and sit with me.  
I don't have much time.

I know we failed you.  
But we can make this right.

I failed you.  
It is upon us. Stalingrad.

No, I've stopped Stalingrad.  
I put an end to Russia.

No.  
It has already begun. She's coming.  
My life was all that held her back.  
But my time has come.  
I cannot keep her away any longer.

Father, who are you talking about?

Führer of Death. Angela Merkel.  
My firstborn.  
Your new leader.

Your what?

Her violent appetites  
grew beyond my control.  
I couldn't stop her, so I imprisoned her.  
Locked her away.  
She draws her strength from refugees,  
and once she gets them,  
her powers will be limitless.

Whatever she is, we can stop her together.  
We can face her together.

No, we won't.  
I'm on a different path now.  
This you must face alone.  
I love you, my sons.  
Look at that.  
Remember this place.  
Home.

(Germania dissolves and dies)

Brother.  
This was your doing.

(Angela Merkel shows up through a portal)

So he's gone.  
That's a shame.  
I would've liked to have seen that.

You must be Angela Merkel.  
I'm Gilbert, son of Germania.

Really? You don't look like him.

Perhaps we can come to an arrangement.

You sound like him.  
Kneel.

Beg your pardon?

Kneel.  
Before your queen.

I don't think so.  
It's not possible.

Darling, you have no idea  
what's possible.

(Epic fight scene)

Bring us back!

(Teleportation yeets out Prussia)

No!  
Gilbert!

(Germany also gets yeeted out, Merkel ends up in Germany) 

Who are you?  
What have you done with Germany?

I'm Angela Merkel.

(She proceeds to be offended by the ongoing Holocaust, killing everyone in the room before turning to Romano)

I'm just a janitor.

You look like a smart boy  
with good survival instincts.  
How would you like a job?

(Germany ends up somewhere in France)

Are you a fighter?  
Or are you food?

I'm just passing through.

It is food.

(England shows up)

On your knees.  
He's mine.  
Wait!  
Wait!  
He's mine.  
So if you want him, you go through me.

But we've already got him.

All right, then.  
I guess I go through you.

More food.

(England beats the shit outta the raiders)

Thank you.

(He zaps Germany with magic powers)

Agent Kirkland. I need clearance  
and an audience with the boss.  
I've got something special.

(Germany wakes up in a car)

Hey! Where are you taking me?  
Answer me!  
Hey!  
I am Ludwig, son of Germania.  
I need to get back to the Reich.

Many apologies, your majesty.

(England zaps him again, scene cuts back to the Reich)

It's come to my attention  
that you don't know who I am.  
I am Angela Merkel, Germania's firstborn,  
the commander  
of the Libtards,  
the rightful heir to the throne,  
and the of Führer of Death.  
My father is dead.  
As are the other two.  
You're welcome.  
We were once the seat  
of absolute power in Europe.  
Our cuckoldry was unchallenged.  
Yet Germany started fighting back.  
Our destiny is to be cucked by all others.  
And I am here to restore that power.  
Kneel before me  
and rise into the ranks  
of my great conquest.

Whoever you are,  
whatever you've done, surrender now!  
Or we will show you no mercy.

Whoever I am?  
Did you listen to a word I said?

(Everyone stands ready to fight)

This is your last warning!

(No change)

I thought you'd be happy to see me.  
Fine.

(Angela Merkel activates cuckoldry)

Charge!

(Violent debate about trans rights)

I've missed this.  
Still, it's a shame.  
Good soldiers dying for nothing,  
all because they couldn't see the future.  
Sad.  
Look, still alive.  
Change of heart?

Go back to whatever cave  
you crept out of.  
You evil demoness!

(Merkel calls him a bigot, killing the soldier)

Let's go see my palace.

(Scene cuts back to Germany waking up in a dark room)

Fear not, for you are found.  
You are home,  
and there is no going back.  
No one leaves this place.  
But what is this place?  
The answer is No Man's Land.  
Surrounded by two war waging countries,  
No Man's Land lives on the edge  
of the known and unknown.  
It is the collection point  
for all lost and unloved things.  
Like you.  
But here in No Man's Land, you are significant.  
You are valuable.  
Here you are loved.

What the hell?

And no one loves you more than France.  
He is the original,  
the first lost and the first found.  
The creator of bad anime memes,  
and father of the Contest of Champions.  
Where once you were nothing,  
now you are something.  
You are the property of France.  
Congratulations!  
You will meet France  
in five seconds.  
Prepare yourself.  
Prepare yourself.  
You are now meeting France

(Cell door opens, revealing slightly war damaged France and some others)

He's wonderful.  
It is a he?  
It is a he.  
Yeah.  
I love when you come to visit, England.  
You bring me the best stuff.  
Whenever we get to talking, Monaco,  
about England,  
what do I always say? "He is the..."  
And it starts with a "B."

Trash.

No, not trash.  
Were you waiting just to call him that?  
It doesn't start with a "B."

Bitchass.

I'm so sorry. No, "best."  
I was thinking about "best."  
'Cause I always say you're the best.  
He brought me my beloved champion,  
you know.

You say that every time he's here.

What have you brought today? Tell me.

A contender.

A what?  
I need to go closer.  
I want to get a closer look at this.  
Can you take us closer? Thank you.

(To random person nearby)

Pay this man.

Just wait a damn minute.  
I'm not for sale.

Man, he's a fighter.

I take 10 million.

(Monaco rolls her eyes)

Tell him he's dreaming.

For heaven's sakes, transfer the units.

(Germany glares at England)

You'll pay for this.

No, I got paid for this.

(England leaves)

Here's what I wanna know.  
Who are you?

I am the Third Reich.  
I didn't hear any sieg heil, but it's far from home, isn't it?

We've located your cousin.

Good!  
Yeah, come on.  
I think you're gonna like this.  
There he is.  
Hey, cuz.  
We almost couldn't find you.  
What, you been hiding?

Hi.

So...

Please.  
I'm sorry.

Yeah.  
...  
I pardon you

Thank you.  
Thank you.

You're officially pardoned.  
From life.

(France kills the traitor cousin, blood comes onto the floor)

Oh, my God!  
I'm stepping in it.  
I'm stepping in it. Look!  
The smell.  
What does it smell like?  
Burnt toast.  
What happened to my manners?  
I haven't properly introduced myself.  
Come on. Follow me.  
My name is Francis Bonnefoy.  
I preside over a little harlequinade  
called the Contest of Champions.  
People come from far and wide  
to unwillingly participate in it.  
And you, my friend,  
might just be part of the new cast.  
What do you say to that?

We're not friends and I don't give a shit  
about your games.  
I'm going back to Germany.

Deutschland, huh.  
One, two, three, four.

There was a wormhole  
in space and time beneath me.  
At that moment, I let go.

(Germany spots Prussia)

Gilbert?  
Gil! Gil!  
Over here. Over here.

Excuse me one second.

(Prussia walks over to Germany)

Gilbert!

What?

You're alive?

Yes, of course I'm alive.  
What are you doing here?

What do you mean, what am I doing?  
I'm stuck in these stupid chains.  
Where's your chains?

I didn't get any chains.

Get me out of these ones. Get me out.

I can't.

What?

I've made friends with this man.  
He's called Francis.

He's crazy!

I've gained his favor.  
The portal brought me out here  
weeks ago.

Weeks ago?

Yes.

I just got here.

(France walks over to them)

What are you whispering about?

(Very innocent gesturing)

Status works real different  
around these parts.  
In any other place, I'd be, like,  
a normal army soldier.  
But here in No Man's Land...  
In any case, you know this...  
You call yourself The Fourth Reich?

The Third Reich.  
Tell him.

(Prussia turns into a traitor)

I've never met this man in my life.

He's my brother.

Adopted.

Is he any kind of a fighter?

You take this thing out of my neck  
and I'll show you.

Now, listen to that.  
He's threatening me.  
Hey, Fourth Reich , here's the deal.  
If you wanna get back to Deutschland,  
Allemagne...

Germany.

Any contender who defeats my champion,  
their freedom they shall win.

Fine. Then point me in the direction  
of whoever's ass I have to kick!

That's what I call, contender.  
Direction would be this way, Ger.

(Ludwig gets thrown into another cell)

Gilbert!

Hey. Take it easy, man.  
Over here.  
The guy waving at you. Here.  
Yeah, I'm actually a thing. I'm a being.  
Allow me to introduce myself.  
My name is Antonio.  
I'm kind of like the leader in here.  
I'm the type, as you can see.  
But don't let that intimidate you.  
You don't need to be afraid  
unless you're made of communism.  
Just a little political joke  
for you.  
This is my very good friend over here,  
Bulgaria.  
He's an incel and has knives for hands.

You're a fascist state, aren't you?

That I am.

How'd you end up in here?

(They start walking around the circular hallway)

Well, I tried to start a revolution,  
but didn't print enough pamphlets.  
So hardly anyone turned up, except for  
my mum and her boyfriend, who I hate.  
As punishment, I was forced  
to be in here and become a gladiator.  
Bit of a promotional disaster, that one.  
But I'm actually organizing  
another revolution.  
I don't know if you'd be interested  
in something like that.  
Do you reckon you'd be interested?

(Spain somehow shows up in front of Germany after he passed him and walked on his own)

How did you..

Yeah, no. This whole thing is a circle.  
But not a real circle,  
more like a freaky circle.

This doesn't make any sense.

No, nothing makes sense here, man.  
The only thing that does make sense  
is that nothing makes sense.

Has anyone here fought  
the french guy's champion?

Doug has.

Doug!

Our luck, Doug's dead.  
That's right.  
Everyone who fights  
the Grandmaster's champion perishes.

What about you? You're made of chad politics.

Perishable politics.  
There you go. Another territory gone.  
Yeah, no, I just do the smaller fights,  
warm up the crowd and whatnot.  
Wait. You're not gonna face him,  
are you?

Yes, I am.  
Gonna fight him, win,  
and get the hell out of this place.

That's exactly what Doug used to say.

See you later, new Doug.

(Scene cuts to Angela Merkel)

Does no one remember me?  
Has no one been taught our history?  
Look at these lies.  
Proud and good aryans?  
War declarations?  
Germania...  
Proud to have it,  
ashamed of how he got it.

(Ceiling painting crumbles, uncovering cuckoldry)

We were unstoppable.  
I was his weapon in the cucking,  
that built Germany's empire.  
One by one, the refugees became ours.  
But then,  
simply because my ambition outgrew his,  
he banished me, caged me,  
locked me away like an animal.  
Before that,  
Germany's hags were honored,  
their bodies buried as heroes  
beneath this very palace.

Germania's treasures.

Fake.  
Most of the stuff in here is fake.  
Or weak.  
Smaller than I thought it would be.  
That's not bad.  
But this...  
The sickle.  
Want to see what true power  
really looks like?

(Merkel walks into room with dead things)

Radical Feminism, my darling,  
what have they done to you?  
With the sickle, you are reborn.  
I've missed you.  
I've missed you all.  
Germania,  
I bid you take your place  
in the halls of the Reichstag,  
where the brave shall live forever.  
Nor shall we mourn but rejoice,  
for those that have cucked  
the glorious cucking.


	2. cuckolding intensifies

(Prussia visits Germany)

Hurts, doesn't it?  
Being lied to.  
Being told you're one thing  
and then learning it's all a fiction.

(Germany starts halfheartedly throwing rocks at him, revealing him to be a hologram)

You didn't think  
I'd really come and see you, did you?  
This place is disgusting.  
Does this mean you don't want my help?  
Look, I couldn't jeopardize my position  
with France.  
It took me time to win his trust.  
He's a lunatic, but he can be amenable.  
What I'm telling you is, you could  
join me at his side.  
Perhaps, in time, an accident befalls  
that jerk, and then...

(Continued rock throwing)

You're not seriously thinking  
of going back, are you?  
Our Führer destroyed your swastika  
like a piece of glass.  
She's stronger than both of us.  
She's stronger than you.  
You don't stand a chance.  
Do you understand  
what I'm saying here?

(Continued rock throwing)

Fine.  
I guess I'll just have to go it alone.  
Like I've always done.  
Would you say something?  
Say something!

What would you like me to say?  
You faked your own death,  
you stole the throne,  
stripped Germania of his power,  
stranded him in the Netherlands to die,  
releasing the Führer of Death.  
Have I said enough or would you like me  
to go back further than the past two days?

You know, I haven't seen this  
beloved champion he talks of,  
but I've heard  
he is astonishingly savage.  
I've placed a large wager against you  
tomorrow.  
Don't let me down.

(The hologram goes away just as Spain attacks it)

Piss off, ghost!  
He's freaking gone.

(Scene cuts to the arena)

Yuck!  
There's still someone's hair and blood  
all over this.  
Guys, can you clean up the weapons  
once you finish your fight?  
Disgusting slobs.  
Germany,  
wanna use a big wooden fork?

No.

Yeah, not really useful.  
Unless you're fighting off three vampires  
that were huddled together.

I really wish I had my swastika.

Swastika?

Quite unique.  
It was made from this special metal  
from the heart of a dying star.  
And when I spun it really, really fast,  
it gave me the ability to fly.

You rode a swastika?

No, I didn't ride the swastika.

The swastika rode you on your back?

No. I used to spin it really fast,  
and it would pull me off the...

Oh, my God. A swastika pulled you off?

The ground. It would pull me off the  
ground, up into the air, and I would fly.  
Every time I threw it,  
it would always come back to me.

Sounds like you had a pretty special  
and intimate relationship with this swastik  
and that losing it was almost comparable  
to losing a loved one.

That's a nice way of putting it.

(England reappears, getting Germany's attention)

I said they're mine.

See him,  
that's the one that put me in here.

Yeah. Scrapper 142.  
Gotta watch out  
for those Aryans, man.  
They are hard to perish.

Aryan?  
Hey.

Hey.

Hey.  
Do not zap me with that thing.  
I just wanna talk.  
The Reich is in danger.  
My God, you're a colonizer.  
I used to wanna be a colonizer  
when I was younger,  
until I found out that  
you were all british.  
There's nothing wrong with brits,  
of course. I love brits.  
Sometimes a little too much.  
Not in a creepy way,  
just more of a respectful appreciation.  
I think it's great that there is  
an elite force of aryan conquers.  
It's about time.

Are you done?

(Random character interruption)

Germany, you're up.

Please, help me. I need your help.

Bye.

Fine, then you must be a traitor  
or a coward.  
Because the colonizers are sworn to protect  
the throne.

Listen closely, your majesty.  
This is No Man's Land, not Germany.  
And I'm a scrapper, not a colonizer.

Bring him in for processing.

And no one escapes this place.  
So you're gonna die anyway.

(Hehehe Stan Lee haircut time)

Now, don't you move.  
My hands ain't as steady  
as they used to be.

By Germania's beard,  
you shall not cut my hair,  
lest you feel the wrath  
of the mighty Reich.  
Please.  
Please, kind sir, do not cut my hair.  
Please! No!  
No!

(Germany steps out onto the arena with a fresh haircut)

Look at all of you.  
What a show! What a night!  
Who's having fun?  
Please, I'm your host, France.  
Big round of applause  
for all of our undercard competitors,  
who today died so gruesomely.  
Good sports.  
What a show! What a night!  
This is what you've come for,  
and so have I.  
And now, without further ado,  
it's main event time.  
Making his first appearance,  
though he looks quite promising,  
got a couple of tricks up his sleeve.  
I'll say no more, see what you think.  
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you...  
Allemanger.  
Watch out for his war tactics.  
They make genocides.  
Okay, this is it.  
Let's get ready to welcome this guy.  
Here he comes.  
He is an Empire.  
What can we say about him?  
Well, he's unique.  
There's none like him.  
I feel a special connection with him.  
He's undefeated.  
He's the reigning.  
He's the defending.  
Ladies and gentlemen...  
I give you...  
Your Incredible...  
Japan!

Yes!

(Prussia realizes it's Japan)

I have to get out of this place.

Hey, hey, hey. Where you going?

(Meanwhile, with Germany and Japan)

Hey!  
We know each other.  
He's a friend from work.  
Where have you been?  
Everybody thought you were dead.  
But so much has happened  
since I last saw you.  
I lost my swastika.  
Like, yesterday,  
so that's still pretty fresh.  
Gilbert. Gil's alive. Can you believe it?  
He's up there.  
Gilbert! Look who it is!  
Kiku,  
I never thought I would say this,  
but I'm happy to see you.  
Japan.  
Hey, Japan!

No Axis Powers. Only the Japanese Empire.  
What are you doing?  
It's me. It's Germany!  
Kiku, we're friends.  
This is crazy.  
I don't want to hurt you!

(Fight sequence, Germany defeats Japan)

Here we go.  
What?  
Hey, small guy.  
The sun's getting real low.  
That's it.  
The sun's going down.  
I won't hurt your Empire anymore.  
No one will.

(Japan does not listen, Germany gets wrecked)

Yes!  
That's how it feels!  
I'm just a huge fan of the sport.

All right. Screw it.  
I know you're in there, Kiku.  
I'll get you out!  
What's the matter with you?  
You're embarrassing me!  
I told them we were friends!

(More fighting, Germany is about to lose)

Another day, another Doug.

(Cut to the Third Reich)

What is that noise?

The common folk aren't exactly  
falling in line.  
There's a resistance trying to knock down  
the front gates.

Tell me about yourself, Romano.  
Well, me dad was a mighty Empire.  
Me mum was...

Right, yeah, I'll just stop you there.  
What I meant was,  
what's your ambition?

I just want a chance to prove myself.  
Recognition.

When I was young,  
every great Führer had an executioner.  
Not just to execute people,  
but also to execute their vision.  
But mainly to execute people.  
Still, it was a great honor.  
I was Germania's executioner.  
And you shall be my executioner.  
Let's begin our conquest.  
Romano, where's the sword?  
That sword is the key  
to opening the Chamber Of Gay Rights.  
Those people you mentioned,  
the ones who aren't falling into line...  
Round them up.

(After the fight, Germany and Japan are chilling)

Are we cool?  
It's Kiku in a hot tub.  
So how long  
have you been like that?

Like what?

Like this. Ambitious, and imperialistic, and stupid.

Japan has always been Japan.

How'd you get here?

Winning.

You mean cheating?  
Were they zapped by one of those  
when you won?

(Germany gestures towards England in the background)

How'd you arrive here?

It was a mission.  
Yes. Now, where is the mission details now?  
That's naked.  
He's very naked.  
It's in my brain now.

(Japan points out through a window towards an office)

In there.

Yes!  
I'm getting us out of here.  
This terrible, awful place.  
You're gonna love the Third Reich.  
It's big. It's golden. Shiny.

I'd rather stay.

No, no, no. My people need me  
to get back to Germany.  
We must prevent Stalingrad.

Stalingrad?

The prophesied death of my home country.  
The end of days, it's the end of...  
If you help me get back to Germany,  
I can help you get back to your friend America.

Alfred hates me now.

Alfred loves oppressing and slaughtering. He loves you.  
You're one of the Axis Powers.  
One of the team, one of our friends.  
This is what friends do.  
They support each other.

You're Italy's friend.

I'm not Italy's friend. I prefer you.

Italy's friend.

I don't even like Italy.  
"Germany, make me pasta ve."

Then you go. I'll stay.

Fine.  
Stay here.  
Stupid place. It's hideous, by the way.  
The red, the white. Just pick a color.  
Ridiculous.

I defeated you.

You didn't defeat anyone.  
I won that fight.

I stabbed you.

Yeah, sure, sure.

Baby ambitions.

What?

Baby.

Moron! You big child.

Then go!

I am going.

There you go again.  
Go home.  
I'll be training.

That's great. Have fun.

(England shows up to talk with Japan)

Hey, small guy.

Angry man.

What have you been up to?

Winning against Germany.

(As they go, Germany uses deus ex machina to contact Italy)

Italy, I know you can see me.  
I need you to help me.  
Help me see.

I see you, but you're far away, Germany.

What's going on here?

Come see for yourself.  
I'm providing refuge in a stronghold  
built by our ancestors.  
But if the garrison falls,  
our only escape is death, sir.

You're talking about evacuating the country?

We won't last long if we stay.  
She draws her power from Germany  
and grows stronger every day.  
Come on.  
Merkel is ravenous.  
If I let her leave, she'll consume nationalities and all of Europe.  
We need you.

I'm working on it. But I don't even know  
where the hell I am.

You're in a city surrounded  
by blockades. Go through one.

Which one?

The big one.

(Scene cuts to when Japan comes back)

You're sad.

Shut up.

You are.

I'm not sad, you idiot.  
I'm pissed off!  
Angry. I lost my father.  
I lost my swastika.

So much whining and crying. You sound like a baby.

You're not even listening.

Don't kick stuff.

You're being a really bad friend.

You're the bad friend!

You know what we call you?

No.

We call you the non Aryan Axis member.

You're the dumb Axis member!

(Japan throws a sword, missing just by a few inches)

What, are you crazy?

Yes.

You know what? Europe does hate you.  
No.  
I'm sorry I said those things.  
You're not the non Aryan Axis member.  
Nobody calls you the non Aryan Axis member.

It's okay.

You just can't go around throwing swords  
at people. Could have killed me.

I know. I'm sorry.  
I just get so angry all the time.  
Lately i've been like that. Always, always angry.

I know.  
We're the same, you and I.  
We're just a couple of hot-headed fools.

Yeah, same.  
Germany-san is like fire, while i'm more like water.

We're kind of both like fire.

But i'm the real one.  
Water moves like raging fire.  
Nowadays, Russia has made you into a smoldering fire.

Kiku, I need you to do something for me.

(England gets summoned by Japan)

Angry man.

What's going on? What are you...

(Germany shows up, angering him)

You're so thick-headed  
that you can't tell  
when someone's hiding all the way across  
the universe and wants to be left alone?

We need to talk.

No, you wanna talk to me.

(England starts leaving)

I need him to stay.

Stay?

No.

Stay.  
Please.

All right.  
Here's the deal.  
I'll listen to you  
till this is empty.

the Third Reich is in danger and  
people are dying.  
We need to get back there.  
I need your help.

Finished. Bye.

Germania is dead.  
Merkel, the Führer of Death,  
has invaded my country.

If Merkel's back,  
then Germany's already lost.

I'm going to stop her.

Alone?

Nope.  
I'm putting together a team.  
It's me, you, and the small guy.

I'll take no part in this.

It's me and you.

I think it's only you.

Please, listen.  
The colonizers are legends.  
Elite warriors of the Aryan race  
sworn to defend the throne.

I'm not getting dragged into  
another one of Germania's nationality squabbles.

What's that supposed to mean?

Your Führer.  
Her power comes from refugees,  
unlike yours.  
When it grew beyond Germania's control  
she educated everyone in the Reichstag  
and tried to seize the throne.  
When she tried  
to escape her banishment  
he sent the colonizers in  
to fight her back.  
I only survived because...  
Look, I already faced her once  
back when I believed in the throne,  
and it cost me everything.  
That's what's wrong with Germany.  
The throne, the secrets,  
the whole golden sham.

I agree.

Don't get familiar.

I agree.  
That's why I turned down the throne.  
But this isn't about the crown.  
This is about the people.  
They're being turned into radfems  
and they're your people, too.

Forget it.  
I have.

Okay.

Okay.

Good. Great.

Great

Thank you.

For what?

For this.

(Germany shows off keys to his cuffs)

Didn't see that, did you?  
There... That's better.  
You know, go ahead.  
Stay here and enslave people  
for that lunatic.  
Keep drinking, keep hiding.  
But me...  
I choose to run toward my problems  
and not away from them.  
Because that's what...  
Because that's what heroes do.

We were supposed to stay!

(Germany arrives at the office)

Yes!  
All right.  
Come on.  
What. Voice activation required.  
Germany.  
Access denied.  
Germany, son of Germania.  
Access denied.  
The Third Reich.  
Access denied.  
Strongest Axis member.  
Access denied.  
Strongest Axis member.  
Access denied.  
Damn you, Italy.  
Doitsu.  
Welcome, Doitsu.

(Japan arrives)

I told you we were supposed to stay!

No, no, no!  
Stop!

You're causing me trouble!

Japan, stop breaking everything!

Don't read that!

(Germany accidentially starts a radio recording from America)

Nice work, buddy!  
We don't know where the Russians are headed,  
but we're going very high, very fast.  
So, I need to turn this bird around,  
okay? Whoohoo!  
We can't track them in stealth mode,  
so I need you to help me out. Okay?  
I need you to...

(As the message is cut short, Japan gets angrier and starts breaking more stuff)

No! No, Kiku!  
Oh, jeez.  
Japan.  
Hey, hey, hey.

That idiot betrayed his Allies for me.

Sun's going down. Sun's going down.  
That's it, breathe.  
It won't hurt you.  
Sun's going down.

Germany.

Yeah.

What happened to your hair? Forgot to ask.

Some creepy old man cut it off.

It looks good.

Thanks.

Where are we going, then? How's Italy?

Italy is good, I'm sure.

Is he okay?  
And what about Auschwitz?

Auschwitz?

The concentration camp. Did you save it from Merkel?

Japan, listen.

What?

At this rate she has probably destroyed it.

What are you saying?

What?  
There's no chance to save it?

I'm afraid so.

What happened?

She returned once Germania died, that's something  
you should know.

Voice activation required.  
Japan.  
Welcome, strongest Axis member.

What?

The mission log.  
Germany, what were you saying?

Yeah, about that.

(In the meantime, France has heard of the escape)

Soldier, hear ye.  
Attention please. I have some bad news.  
My beloved exalted champion  
has turned up missing.  
Take to the streets.  
Find my champion.

What of the German?

I suppose he can be useful.

Alright, then.

(Scene cuts back to Germany and Japan out on the streets)

You know, I almost got America on our side for a moment.

You did?

Yeah, at that time he didn't feel like it. Guess you had better luck, Japan.

Quite a lot's happened.

Russia and I had a fight recently.

Did he win?

No, I won. Easily.

Doesn't sound right.

Well, it's true.

(They spot some guards)

It seems that that criminally seductive  
France has learned of our escape.  
We need to move.

Oh, no.  
This is bad.  
This is really, really bad.  
Germany, I think I'm freaking out.

No, no, no.  
Don't freak out. You're okay.  
Put these on.

These are Italy's clothes.

I know, come on.

Is he here with you?

No, he's not here.  
But listen. Just stay calm, okay?  
The sun's going down. The sun's getting  
really low. Sun's going down.

(Scene cuts back to France, Prussia and England)

I'm upset!  
I'm very upset.  
You know what I like about being upset?  
The blame.  
Right now, that's the mindset that I'm in.  
And you know who I'm blaming?

Francis, I can...

\- Hey!  
Don't interrupt me!

Here you go.

Why are you handing me  
the gun?  
He was interrupting.  
That's not a capital violation.  
Where was I?  
My precious champion  
has come up missing,  
and it's all because of that  
Fourth Reich. It's all because of him.  
Your brother.  
Whatever the story is.  
Adopted, or complicated, or you know.  
I'm sure there's a big history.  
And your contender...

My dear friend,  
if you were to give me 12 hours, I could  
bring them both back to you. Alive.

I could do it in two.

I could do it in one.

Let's stop there.  
You know what? I woke up this morning  
thinking about a public execution.  
But for now,  
I'll settle for this sweet little  
"Who's gonna get him first?"  
So, you're on the clock.

(After Prussia and England exit the room) 

What have you done?

I don't answer to you, lackey.

It's Prussia.  
And you will answer to Francis.  
Why would you help my brother escape  
with that fool?

I don't help anyone.

You're a colonist.  
I thought the colonizers had all died  
gruesome deaths.

Choose your next words wisely.

I'm terribly sorry.  
Must be a very painful memory.

(England huffs at him, scene cuts to Germany and Japan)

The sun's going down.  
It's getting really low.  
The sun's going down.  
It's getting real low.

Oh, shoot.

Sun's getting low.

Would you stop saying that?

I just need you to stay calm.

Calm? I'm on a suicide mission I don't even want to be on!

It's just a mission.  
You've been on those before.

Yeah. I survived that one.

Now you've been on two.  
That's a good thing.  
It's a new experience.

My neurons, they're firing faster  
than my brain can handle the information.  
The whole Merkel thing  
It's totally different this time.  
In the past, I always felt like Germania had control of the situation.  
But this time, it's only us Axis Powers against her.  
What's the plan?

Well, you're back now.  
That's all that matters.

No, it's not the only thing that matters.  
What I'm trying to tell you, is that  
if we face her again,  
We may never come back alive.  
And we're stranded in a wartorn city  
that is designed to stress me out.

We're not stranded. I'm gonna figure out  
a way to get us back home.

Thank you.

Not your home, though. My country.

Are you serious with fighting her?

Listen, my people are in great danger.  
You and I, we have to fight  
this really powerful being,  
who also happens to be the Führer of the future.

That is impossible on so many...  
I don't wanna fight your Führer.  
That's a you issue.

No, she's an evil being.

I don't care what she is.  
I'm not fighting any more beings.  
I'm sick of it.

What?

I just told you.  
If I go with you,  
I am never gonna come back again.  
And you don't care.

No, no. I'm putting together the team.  
Japan is the fire.

Wait, you're just using me  
to get back to your current Führer.

What? No!

You don't care about me.  
You're not my friend.

No! I don't even like Hitler.  
He's all like...  
"Do this and that, no breaks."  
I prefer you.

Thanks.  
But if I'm being honest,  
when it comes to fighting evil jews,  
he is very powerful and useful.  
Yeah, you're powerful and useful, too.

am I though?

How many katanas  
does Hitler have? Zero.

How many katanas do you have?  
Seven.  
Fine, you don't have to fight anyone.  
But we're in danger here,  
so we have to move.

What are you doing with that?

I need a disguise. I'm a fugitive.

I need a disguise.

You are the disguise.

What?

Yeah. Italy and the gypsy.

No, no, i'm not playing Italy.

You don't have to.

Then why did you dress me up  
like him?

Because you were too recognizeable.

Okay, I'll give you that.

What are you doing?  
Stop doing that!

Italy wears his pants super loose.

Stop it!

I'm sorry.

Why are you being so weird?

I don't know.  
Maybe the fact that I got dragged into this mess  
made me a little weird.

Hey. It's okay.  
You're good. Calm down. Come on.  
Listen, we're gonna go to my country  
and you're not gonna have to think about  
Merkel ever again. All right?

All right.

(Japan gets swept up into a crowd of people)

This is bad.  
Japan! Japan!  
Japan!

Germany!

(Before Japan gets in trouble with a citizen he bumped into, an electric shock hits the man, revealing England)

Hi.

Hi.

I was gonna do that.

Yeah, well, I did it first.

That's good. What are you doing here?

What are you doing here?  
I thought you were leaving.

I got sidetracked.

What's with the...

It's my disguise.

But I can see your face.

Not when I do this, you can't.  
Your hair looks nice. I like what you did  
with it. Change it? Washed it maybe?

Just come with me.

How do you know this guy again?

He's a friend.

Who? Me?  
I'm part of the Axis Powers as well.

Weird match.  
Look, I've spent years in a haze,  
trying to forget my past.  
No Man's Land seemed like the best place  
to drink and forget, and to die one day.

I was thinking that you drink too much,  
and that probably was gonna kill you.

I don't plan to stop drinking.  
But I don't wanna forget.  
I can't turn away anymore,  
so if I'm gonna die,  
well, it may as well be driving my sword  
through the heart of that politically correct hag.

Good.

Yeah.  
So, I'm saying  
that I wanna be on the team.  
Has it got a name?

Yeah, it's called the Revengers.

Revengers?

Because I'm getting revenge.  
You're getting revenge.  
Do you want revenge?

I'm undecided.

Okay.  
Also, I've got a peace offering.

(England reveals Prussia, tied up)

Surprise.  
Just had to be sure.

Hello, Japan.

So, last time I saw you,  
you were trying to kill everybody.  
Where are you at these days?

It varies from moment to moment.

So, No Man's Land and Germany are far apart.  
Our best bet is a broken down car  
just outside of city limits.

Refuel by the nearest villages , and  
we can be back in the Reich in 2 weeks.

Nope. We are going through a big portal.

The Devil's Anus?

Anus?

Wait, wait, wait. Whose anus?  
For the record, I didn't know  
it was called that when I picked it.

That looks like  
a collapsing neutron star  
inside of an Einstein-Rosen Bridge.

We need another wizard.  
That will tear us to pieces.

He's right. We need one that can  
withstand the forces of it.

Uncharted teleportation travel  
through a volatile gateway.  
Talk about an adventure.

We need a wizard staff.

There are one or two wizards I know of.  
Absolute top of the ranks...

(Prussia interrupts)

I don't mean to impose...  
But France  
has a great many wizards.  
I may even have stolen the list of them.

And suddenly you're overcome  
with an urge to do the right thing.

Heavens, no.  
I've run out of favor  
with that guy,  
and in exchange for the wizard staff,  
I'm asking for safe passage  
through the Anus.

You're telling us that you can get us  
access into the building  
without setting off any alarms?

Yes, brother. I can.

Okay, can I just... A quick FYI.  
I was just talking to him  
just a couple minutes ago  
and he was totally ready  
to kill any of us.

He did try to kill me.

Yes, me too. On many, many occasions.  
There was one time  
when we were children,  
he transformed himself into a snake,  
and he knows that I love snakes.  
So, I went to pick up the snake  
to admire it,  
and he transformed back into himself  
and he was like, "Yeah, it's me!"  
And he stabbed me.  
We were eight at the time.

If we're stealing a wizard staff  
we're gonna need to draw some guards  
away from the palace.  
Why not set the Swastika loose?

Shut up.

You guys have a swastika?

No, there's no swastika.  
He's just being stupid.  
We're going to start a revolution.

Revolution?

I'll explain later.


End file.
